Here I Am! It’s September 29!

108 days ago, this is where I found myself. I sat here, on this hillside, sobbing. I didn’t care who saw me.

 

 

Sometimes I get premonitions. Well, this time, I happened to have one about myself.  I didn’t want to accept it. I knew I was about to descend into the recesses of the darkest parts of me.

I lost me. And I had to find her again.

 

 

 Day 1

I am very visual. The only way I was going to be able to keep going and see progress was to put these up on the wall.

And this is kind of what I felt like too…

I spent the next 108 days on a journey, in response to that very moment. I screamed, I cried, I cursed the Universe, I descended into the darkness of despair, and I was not sure if I would make it through it. I turned myself inside out and examined every part of me. And my life. And my choices.

I don’t think I have ever been so scared. Or angry. Or exhausted. Or suffocated. I really thought this thing was going to be the end of me.

It has not been pretty, but then again, I have read that a journey to find your soul is not rainbows and unicorns. It is not something you do, unless you are willing to go there. But, honestly, I feel like the Universe MADE me do it. She dragged me, kicking and screaming, to the limits of myself. And many times I didn’t like what I saw. But she MADE me look at myself. Hard. I HAD TO. I didn’t have a choice.

In my darkest moments, I had to dig deep into the furthest parts of my being to find bits of strength. I found some. I also found some courage, too. Even if, at first, it was only enough to get me out of bed. But it grew. And it built upon itself. Then it was enough to face some fears. Then it was enough to KICK down walls that I had surrounding me for a long time. The walls that I had constructed were my own limiting beliefs about what I should and should not do and be. I realized that I can do and be what ever the HELL I want. While I knew that a long time ago, I lost that notion over the years. I finally have found it again.

 

Here’s a pic of my 108 sticky notes!!! I never thought I see this!

 

And I’ll tell you something…I could not have done this without all the amazing people that I have in my life. I have received so much love and support, it is truly overwhelming to think about it. I always take the opportunity to tell someone how awesome they are, how much I admire them, how much I appreciate what they do on a daily basis, and how much I love them. Everyone is incredible in his/her own way.

Another thing is that is unbelievable is how I am in the right place at the right time, and amazing conversations happen. People randomly say to me the exact thing I need to hear at any given moment. It happens to me every single day. Even in the most casual, seemingly unimportant interactions. But nothing is random. It is the Universe that places me in these situations. She wants me to learn to have my eyes and ears open to what she is trying to tell me. And I am finally listening.

The most ironic thing that she told me, (through Spotify of all things!) is something so COMPLETELY cliché…. I have been searching for all these answers from some force or ethereal being out there, as if it were a man in a white robe on a cloud or an energy somewhere in outerspace. I have found, however, that the answers are inside of me and they always have been. I have just ignored them for most of my life. Now that I have learned to be alone (and be OK with it) and truly listen to what the Universe is saying, I have come to notice the messages are everywhere. She speaks to me all the time. (Sometimes it takes a few tries, and then maybe a kick in the ass.)

 

So I’m going to admit this…

I’ve sang this song so many times.

I never got it until now. 

 

So in my 108 day experiment (Because believe me it WAS a huge experiment. When I wrote that blog 108 days ago, I had absolutely NO IDEA if I would learn anything at all. I crossed my fingers and hoped that I didn’t embarrass myself and have to admit it was an epic fail.) I have come to know one valuable thing:  The Universe = My Goddess = me. All three are one in the same. (I love the number 3. It represents perfection. And just like Bruno Mars told me: I am perfect just the way I am. See I knew you were more than just a cute boy in a hat!)

In this process, I realized who I really am. A strong-ass, intelligent, beautiful woman that can do anything she puts her mind to. That was the woman that told herself she was going to get into HARVARD all those years ago, and then DID it. And had no doubts about it. I knew that I needed to get back to that place ’cause not too long ago I believed I was nothing. NOTHING. How did I ever let myself get to THAT place?! Well, I am here to say that I am DONE with that SHIT! I AM something!

I am not saying that life is going to be roses from here on out, but the more people I talk to and the more articles I read on ElephantJournal, Yoganonymous and other websites, the more I realize that we all go through the same things. The details may be different, but we all have the same struggles: The Human Experience.

The commitment that I am making to you today is the following: I am going to use my writing to change lives. I am going to jump off the cliff, be bold, and throw myself into this process. Whatever it takes. I want to be the hand that reaches out to you in your darkest moments. And the one to give you the strength to find your soul and not be afraid to let it shine. And NOT care what others think about you doing that. And to go for your dreams because they are TOTALLY possible, whatever they may be!

While this is so much easier said than done, I am giving you my word. I will be that person for you. And, if you read my blog from this past Thursday, I said that I hit “publish” and put things on Facebook because it makes me accountable. So now that I put this out there, I am totally accountable. There’s no turning back.

So to wrap up my 108 day of self-realization. my Goddess told me that I need to make the following declaration:

I DID IT! I FREAKIN’ DID IT!

Now excuse me ‘cause I am going to celebrate. Talk to ya Thursday!

And As Promised….

 

I was going to keep working on this, but I decided it’s perfect the way it is 🙂 . For a non-videographer it’s FREAKIN’ AWESOME! (That, and my body’s really tired. I can’t possibly do another take. 🙂 ) 

I tried every which way to post this, this is all I could do, so this format looks really crappy. BUT IT’S THERE! Make it full screen so you can sort of see the floor. 

 

YAY!!!!!