Thank The Universe I Am NOT in HD!

Don’t ask yourself what the world needs, ask yourself what makes you come alive- and then go and do that. Because what the world needs is people who are alive. – Howard Thurman

 

YES! Absolutely! 100%!!!

Ok. Alright. I’ll come clean. Today I haven’t felt really alive. I feel old and tired. I am going through the motions and struggling through my day. I am stressed out. Despite my positive Dinacharya this morning, I just can’t shake it today. I gotta get this out, I suppose. It’s bubbling to the surface.

 

Behold the turtle. He only makes progress when he sticks his neck out. – Anonymous

 

Ok, so stick my neck out is what I’ll do!

 

Recently, I have been struggling with the fact that I am getting older. I have avoided writing about it because I feel so damn vain saying it. I also feel like maybe if I don’t talk about it, I can pretend it’s not happening. What I have learned about myself, though, is if I avoid things and don’t write about them, they DON’T go away. They swim around in my head ad infinitum.

It’s been upsetting me a lot. I look in the mirror and I feel like I have aged about 10 years in the past few months. (Luckily, I also feel like I have aged in wisdom too.). Going through this process of rebirth, self-discovery, finding my inner Goddess, what-ever-you-want-to-call-it, has been exhausting at times, but I never expected to feel older. I don’t like it. It makes me angry. It makes me sad. But I HAVE to come to terms with it, though, because whether I like it or not, I am getting wrinkles on my face.

 

It sucks ass.

 

Suffice it to say that I am fuming at the Universe, and this anger needs to come out. I don’t want to hold in my emotions because it is unhealthy and has never served me well in the past. But I have been feeling soooo good lately and I don’t understand why I have to be slammed with this now. Can ya give me some time to just be at peace with myself?

 

Apparently not…

 

(Keep going, Patty. You still have some work to do.)

 

Here’s a little angry side eye  

 

What makes me even MORE irritated is that I was in the checkout line at EarthFare and happened to notice a magazine cover with Giada DiLaurentiis on it (I am going to call you out on this, Giada. You pissed me off. And let me tell you, it takes A LOT to piss an Aquarius off, so today you get to experience the rare wrath of one. Ok, I’ll be nicer than I want to be.). The skin on her face was airbrushed to the point that it has NO features to it. Flat flesh tone only, with heavily eyelinered eyes, a nose, and a mouth. I say, Giada, I have watched you on The Next Food Network Star in HD and you DON’T look like that. It’s actually quite shocking what the difference is. Night and day. You look like they erased 20 years off you. But standing there, looking at you as I am putting my things on the conveyor belt, it’s like suspended disbelief. I freakin’ know that you are not that picture, yet seeing it makes me think that somehow I am less than because I can’t manage to look perfectly airbrushed everyday. Why do you put these fake images in our face? WHY? I am the one who is real here, but why do I feel sooooo bad about being real?

 

It just makes me so mad that women are made to feel like getting older is a bad thing. We are constantly bombarded with this message that you need to look young forever. Otherwise you are undesirable. Even though I try my damndest, I can’t make myself look like that image. Epic sucky fail!

 

I never imagined how much this would bother me. Not until I started to feel and look older. I don’t pay attention to anything mainstream, so apparently these fears got in a long time ago and were buried under the surface. I am not old by any means, yet I am like: OK. What’s going to go next? Am I just trying to hold onto my youth with all the things I am doing? I also have something cool that I am going to do in a few weeks…am I too old to do THAT? I don’t feel that way, but in reality, AM I?

 

GRRRRRR!!!!!

 

I have let a lot of things go recently. I have been peeling back the layers that have surrounded me and WHO KNEW this was in there? I sure as hell didn’t. But you know, this all comes down to self-love and self-acceptance. I was talking to my yoga students about this very thing on Tuesday night. We have to love ourselves for who we are and where we are on any given day. All parts. And that’s why I have decided to admit this thing here. Let my insecurities hang out. That’s the only way I can come to a place of acceptance with them.

 

Me and my Kale. Those two lines across my forehead were not there 6 months ago. Nor were the dark circles or bags under my eyes (can’t really see them in this pic and I’m cool w/ that.).  

 

So telling myself that I am feeling old and tired DOES NOT make me feel alive. Ok Mr. Thurman, I accept your challenge! I’ll go do what makes me feel ALIVE!!

*Singing and dancing to my favorite tunes

*Spending time in Nature

*Teaching Yoga

*Waxing poetic about life with other people

*Writing

*Analyzing things and coming up with a conclusion

*Learning new stuff from other people

*Doing a “kick your ass” yoga class

*Lifting weights among hardcore iron pumpers

 

When I am doing what makes me come alive, I am at my best. I am poised to create, serve others, and change the world. I AM ME! Screw the wrinkles! I am awesome just the way I am! Even Bruno Mars says so!

 

You know what? I never even noticed that HE has wrinkles too. And I think he’s SUPER cute! Hmmmm…maybe it’s not that big of a deal. 

I Needed to REread This Blog After BoooHoooing This Morning…

Inspiration is an incredibly powerful thing. It changes your life. (Like the cute guy giving out wine samples at Trader Joe’s. Totally inspired me to try some. 😉 ) Mr. Kale inspired me to set some NEW goals for myself: write every morning for 30 days and do a hip hop video. I decided to just go for it! I mean, why the hell not?!? Doing these challenges are really important to me, though. And I’ll tell you a why.

I was recently asked what my yoga story is, so to put some things in perspective, I want to explain a bit about where I came from.

For many years I never set any goals for myself. I would start lots of things and never finish them. What it really boiled down to was that I no longer believed in myself and didn’t think I was capable of achieving anything. I was afraid of failure and afraid that my failure would confirm the fact that I was incapable of doing anything. When I say that now, I am like: Really? Nothing at all? The simple answer is yes. This is what I told myself. The solution: don’t set any goals because then there’s no way you can fail.

Yes, this is coming from the same person who worked her ass off and got into Harvard. I bring that up not to boast about myself (Harvard’s cool and all, but I didn’t find it all that it’s cracked up to be.) but to point out that I achieved a huge accomplishment, yet years later, I managed to end up where I thought I was incapable of doing simple tasks.

That all started to change, though, when I re-found yoga in 2011. The change didn’t happen over night, and I have been to hell and back with it, but the day I stepped back into the yoga studio was the day that changed my destiny. My paradigm shifted.

 

(Before you continue reading my story, I have to say this: This is the amazing woman who is responsible for changing my destiny.

Had she not invited me to yoga that day 3 ½ years ago, I don’t know where the hell I’d be. The rest of my story unfolds, including where I am today, because of her love and friendship.)

 

I was in a SUPER bad place at that point. In fact, I contemplated ending my life. That was a dark, dark chasm from which I couldn’t seem to escape. I can’t really explain what it feels like to be there, but I was hopeless. Empty. The wind could blow me over. I felt like there was no way out. The only thing that stopped me was that I knew I would ruin some people’s lives and I couldn’t bear the thought of that.

BUT my own persistence is what pulled me out of the depths. EVEN when I didn’t think I could do it. I worked my ASS off to get out. I kept showing up and doing the work, on and off the mat, to change my entire being. Since then, my whole outlook on life has changed. I would NO LONGER categorize myself as hopeless. FAAAAAARRRRR from it. I have soooo much hope now.

So yes, I have been there. I have come through the other side. I can’t say I have all my shit together (Who does?) but reflecting on all of this, I realize how far I’ve come. It’s almost UNREAL that I was in that place, but I was.

 

NEVER AGAIN!

 

So on Thursday I went to a workshop and we were all asked to say one thing that we have had enough of. One woman answered that she’s had enough of hating herself. (I am right there WITH you, sister!) I started tearing up, because I was like: Why in the world does she hate herself? She is so talented and cool. But I also totally related to that. It got me thinking back to my story….I mean THAT is what that whole thing was about.

Why DO we all hate ourselves so much? And it’s not just that we tell ourselves that we are not good enough. We allow ourselves to be treated poorly by others. We lower our standards to gain acceptance. We do things to try to gain approval and love from others. We talk ourselves out of things. We tell ourselves we can’t do things “right.” These negative thoughts play over and over in our heads. We may not even be aware of them. But they are there and they affect our decisions on a daily basis.

The whole workshop really hit home with me and I have decided to stop saying mean things to myself. Like the buck stops here.

Case in point:

I woke up Saturday morning and immediately started worrying about something that MIGHT happen in a month or so. My mind started planning what I was going to do to not make my fear come true. After some time passed, I was like: WOAH! What good WAS worrying about this at 6:30 am doing for me? This thing wasn’t happening NOW, so STOP this nonsense in its tracks before it gets OUT OF CONTROL. It took some wrangling, BUT I completely turned my attitude around.

How?

In my Dinacharya (daily routine), I have started doing positive affirmations every morning. I needed to inspire myself! I wrote down 6 statements and I stuck them to my bathroom mirror. I look myself in the eyes and say them over and over. It started out being really awkward and embarrassing, but it’s definitely getting easier. I think, over time, I will end up enthusiastically shouting them so my neighbors can join me through the walls. (I’m sure they hear me singing all the time, so this will be a step in a new direction for us.)

 

 

Then I wrote for an hour and turned on some music and started dancing and singing. I got ready, scooted to Allison’s 9:30 Align and Flow class, ran into lots of familiar faces there, ate lunch at Luna’s with some great ladies, and then volunteered at a Safe House. Afterwards, I went to Trader Joe’s, bopped along to the music, and chatted up Mr. Cute Wine Pourer.

 

I told him not to give me too much or I’d start doing the running man!

 

What an amazing morning and afternoon! And all because I decided to change my mindset. This is not something I would have done all those years ago. I would have let my worries completely mess up my day. I would have told myself that I can’t do life. Who knows how things would have unfolded from there…

But the good thing is that I AM NOT THAT PERSON ANYMORE! I can turn my mind around and change the course of my day. I am really excited to see this change in me. In addition to others inspiring me, I can inspire MYSELF!

Now about my next dance video…. 🙂

 

I Challenge YOU, Hotstuff!

Alright. I kinda have a teensy little crush on this guy. I mean he’s REALLY cute, so it was hard NOT to.

 

 

(Cuteness is a very abstract thing for me. If you asked, I couldn’t really define it for you. It’s more of a personality thing. And an energy thing. Oh and the eyes. You can tell a lot by looking into someone’s eyes.)

I feel like we have some cool stuff in common. We both put ourselves out there on the Internet (Now HE has some freakin’ balls!), practice yoga, like green smoothies, and love to write. He is a self-professed contradiction, and you know, I feel the same way too. (For the longest time I couldn’t understand this, but then I figured out why. While my sun sign is Aquarius, my moon sign is Gemini. I DO feel like I am two opposite people sometimes, so the Gemini thing ‘splains a lot. 🙂 )

So I look around his blog and OMG he has videos of himself hip hop dancing! (Well this is his first video. It is one of the freakin’ funniest things I’ve seen.) That sealed the deal for me. I was like: I’m in luuuuurrrrrvvvveee. They were 10,000,000,000 times better than my video, and a total inspiration to me. (And they CRACK me up! I love dry humor.) I ♥ dancing and this proper-alignment yogi needs to get back to her swagger. So after seeing this, I was like: I don’t know you Kale and Cigarettes, and you live all the way in San Diego, but I think you are freakin’ awesome!

 

I love kale!

 

So how did I come to find this Kale? I stumbled upon an article he wrote called How To Beat the Whole Foods Salad Bar on Yoganonymous. At that point, I was still in the contemplation phase of my 10-day Detox Cleanse, so salad was on my mind. But this article is precisely why I said he has balls. Whole Foods is probably crapping their pants now that he has published this amazing trick. I gotta hand it to him, though. This was pretty clever and unique. I really appreciate someone that can see things in an out-of–the-box way. And I admire him for coming out and saying it and being authentic.

Anyways, Kale, the real reason I bring you up is: amongst all your cool (and totally random) posts, I found an article about a writing challenge you hosted called “Write Yourself Alive.” It was from back in February, but I decided I am up for a challenge NOW, so I am going to do it NOW.

So, Kale, I accept your challenge! You told me that for 30 days I need to write 1-3 hours every morning. No excuses. You told me you don’t f-ing care what I have to do and to get up earlier if that’s what it takes (I get up really early but there are some days where I know I’ll have to get up extra early.)! And I must do it first thing (Thanks for letting me go to bathroom and drink my coffee beforehand). What I do, first thing in the morning, determines how the rest of my day will go. I should put my creative priorities first. If a To-Do list, email, Facebook, the television, or whatever, is first, then those will be my priorities in life. Hmmm…..Interesting. Never thought about that.

And it’s interesting that you said this because I also read something else today that talked about starting your day off by grabbing your phone and checking it. It said to wait 1 hour to pick up your phone or turn on your computer ‘cause it can wait. So, this is what I am going to do!

I suppose my morning routine is going to change a bit now. As my 10 Day Detox is coming to a close, I am planning on continuing the Dinacharya (your daily routine), but I have rewritten my list to include some of my other morning rituals. I have put the writing challenge as one of them, so it’s ON, bro. I will keep you posted on it.

While we are at it though…Now, I have a challenge for YOU, Kale. I’ll see your hip hop video and raise you one. I just went online, and to my surprise, I found a hip hop dance class TONIGHT! So I’m gonna practice my moves and then we throw down!

 

Hip Hop Yogi Goddess

 

Stay tuned for the battle. Someone’s about to get SERVED!

 

You, Mr. Kale.

Make NO Eye Contact! She’s Dangerous!

One of my FAVORITE things to do is pop my tunes in my ears and walk all over the South End of Charlotte. I wave to the construction guys and the people on the light rail (One day I WILL get one of those conductors to wave back!) talk to the cops on bikes (OMG! NOT gonna happen, man. You’ve got to like me for more than my tattoos and yoga pants. Check out Dropkickasana in my back pocket.), and try to avoid getting hit in the crosswalks.

 

I was IN the crosswalk and that person back there did NOT stop.

HEY! Watch it! Maybe I should tell my new cop friends to arrest these lawbreakers! 

 

So you’ve heard of the Sirens, right? Those beautiful women in Greek mythology, who lay on the rocks, enchanting the sailors with their singing? As the sailors come closer, their fate, unfortunately is not good…

 

Omg! I didn’t know that was a harmonica! I thought it was a guitar!

 

Well, one day, I encountered one of these Sirens during my travels.

 

When I first noticed her, I was super scared that my fate would be the same. (And with GOOD reason!!!) She continued to call to me. And I kept ignoring her. Eventually, I took a peek, but then I quickly looked away. No eye contact.

 

 

 

You see, she really scared the CRAP out of me. The more she called to me though, the more I would find myself hovering around. I would loiter, look her way, but would NOT walk in her door. One day I just decided: “I don’t need to be afraid of a freakin’ restaurant, damn it! Who DOES that?!?“

 

My view of Luna’s Living Kitchen from the other side of the tracks

 

Let me just say: OMG. Greatest Place EVER! I had the most amazing lunch and I was like: If I could eat like this EVERY day, I would totally become a vegan again.

 

Wait. WHAT?!? What did I just say?

 

Ok now THAT’S a bold statement. Especially considering what happened…

 

A number of years ago (2009 maybe?), I got violently ill and landed in a doctor’s office. I had not been to a Medical Dr. in almost 10 years, so for me to end up there, well, that was a BIG deal. Not good.

I had spent the previous two months doubled over in pain and I had no idea what was wrong with me. After seeing how much the appointment cost, and the fact that I had no insurance, I walked out. At that point, a light bulb went on in my head and I had a moment of realization. (Love those moments!)

I had recently read a book called The China Study. T Colin Campbell, a professor a Cornell University, made an observation that people in China, especially those in the rural provinces, have very little incidences of the diseases we see in the Western world. Obesity, Diabetes, Heart Disease, Cancer, to name a few. His conclusion was that it was their vegan diet. I wrapped my head around this, looked at his findings, and concluded that I was GOING to become a vegan.

For the first month, I felt AMAZING! I had life and energy! It was hard to keep up with it, but I did my best. You know I don’t cook, so I basically was eating quinoa and vegetables. Although it was mentally exhausting to analyze everything I was eating, I kept going because I felt like I was doing something good!

As time passed, I came to feel really lethargic. My hair became very thin, brittle, and flyaway. I was constantly doubled over with stomach pains, in bed, and depressed. I lost muscle and had no energy. I couldn’t function. I had no idea what was going on with me, but I made no connection to my diet.

BUT after I walked out of this Dr’s Office, I realized that the only thing I had changed recently WAS my diet. And at this point, I really wasn’t eating much of anything anymore. I need to get some food FAST! (NOT fast food 🙂 ) I instantly felt better, and my days as a vegan were over. Never again!

The whole thing totally scared me and I realized that I essentially didn’t know what I was doing and made myself sick. And being a blood type B+, I am designed to eat a balanced combination of things. (Another example: In more recent years, I tried to do pretty much protein shakes, bars, etc, and actually gained almost 15 lbs. And NOT muscle! I couldn’t get it off. Once I stopped doing THAT, I naturally started to lose the weight.) I try to eat natural and organic, real food. While it is more expensive, it provides you with more nutrients and is not full of empty calories. You win in the long run. I am always looking for ways to be more healthy and stay out of the Dr’s office!

Recently I have been struggling with some acne (I have NEVER EVER had acne before. So frustrating.) and an intense craving for sugar. (When I walk into Amelie’s, they’re like “YOU again?”) Although I do eat a much better diet now, I suspect I have a candida yeast overgrowth. I also have some other intestinal stuff and I just need HELP! to get myself back to normal. Alright Universe, hook a girl UP!

I knew I had to do something but I wasn’t sure what…

Then an email popped up in my inbox. And then a Facebook post, then another email, and another Facebook post…10 day Autumn Detox Cleanse hosted by Allison, an instructor at BeYoga and owner of Heart of The Matter Yoga. Ummmm sounds good, Allison, but I just can’t. Can’t do the vegan thing. Nope.

 

Well, oh ok. I’ll do it. (le sigh)

 

I am all about facing my fears. It’s all I do now, so I got this one too. I started tapping out an email to Allison explaining my dilemma and ask her if she’d mind if I wrote a blog about it…

Closed Gmail. Nope. Maybe another time. Besides I had to go teach my Friday afternoon class.

Fast forward a half hour, walk in the door of BeYoga Dilworth and who is standing right in front of me? I was blown away. Ok Universe. You got me. Stop chickening out and face your fear, Patty. Don’t forget: Last time you were on your own and had no clue what you were doing! This time is different.

So I signed up for the Detox and sent her my email. Although I was nervous, I was also very excited. I went to her Cleanse Prep session, and then took the bull by the horns and went to Healthy Home Market and bought my stuff.

 

 

As of now, we are half way through. And I am still here! When I am done I will write a blog about it with my conclusions ( I am a scientist, after all!) And HEY if anyone wants to go to Luna’s, please let me know. We can walk the Light Rail, say hello to all my new friends along the way, and have to most deliciously awesome vegan food EVER! I ain’t scuuurrrd, Siren! (and P.S. The cops are cool. Yes, I see them check me out, but they ARE respectful to me. 🙂 )

 

 (Actually I found out she’s NOT a Siren. That was all in my head! What’s new, Aquarius? LOL!)

I Triple Dog Dare You…

 

 

Yesterday I embarked on a 10-day raw and whole foods journey (which I will talk about Monday!). In honor of that, I’ve decided to go with something more raw and vulnerable today.

I tend to hide parts of myself that I am afraid of. I push them deep down, so they don’t ever see the light of day. I am afraid others will hurt me with them, but mostly I think it’s the fact that I don’t trust myself to be able to handle other’s reactions to them. There’s this fear that I will not be able to brush off the worst case scenarios that I create in my head. The worse case scenarios never come to pass, BUT I still always fear that THIS time, letting THIS part of me out there will be the undoing of me.

 

Wednesday Cleanse Day 1

I have had a weird couple of days. I’d like to blame it on Mercury being in retrograde, and maybe that’s it, but regardless…

Today I feel extremely disconnected. Disconnected from everyone and everything. What I see in front of me seems like a strange illusion. A movie that I am watching. Most oddly is that I feel disconnected from MYSELF. I feel completely and utterly empty inside. As if my soul has left my body. There is only one feeling that remains, however. It is a deep sadness within my chest.

As I sit here, staring out at the water in Freedom Park, I am intensely aware of it. I feel it expand as I breathe, rise up into my throat, and well out from my eyes. Amidst this release, an older gentleman sits down on the bench behind me and begins to play his guitar.

In this moment, I feel like everything else has abandoned me other than this pain. But the Universe has her reasons. She is calling attention to it and making me take notice of the old wound, buried deep down inside of my heart. She whispers, through my tears, that it’s time to release it from my being. Interestingly enough, it’s the wound that I wrote about in the letter I burned and deposited under the tree across the way. I have decided that I am going to leave that tree with those ashes. It no longer calls to me. I have a new spot today.

 

 

I am now sitting on the island in the center of the pond. It is poignant because I AM my own island at the moment. This deep sadness is my responsibility, and it’s my responsibility to let it go. I no longer want it to affect my life and my decisions.

 

 

The fact that I am sitting here, experiencing this, is no surprise to me though. It’s been coming on for a few days now. On Saturday I started feeling nerve pain on the left side of my ribs. I understand human anatomy and I know where those nerves originate. Midback. Heart chakra. Tuesday morning I woke up with the most stabbing pain in between my shoulder blades.

 

There it was.

 

It hadn’t hurt me since it was injured years ago, but something cracked this wound open, nonetheless. It was extremely painful, but then again, what healing injury isn’t? Although pain sucks, it let me know that my heart is still in there. It hadn’t abandoned me. I HAVE been feeling it on and off, but THIS indicated that those other parts, the hurt parts, are still there too.

Earlier in the day, I had, what I suppose could be described as energy work. One of the things that was said to me was that it’s time for me to get rid of the armor surrounding me. I don’t need to brace and protect myself with it anymore. I have discernment, but it’s time for my heart to open. The shining light around me has got my back.

And while I sit here, feeling empty and emotionally raw, absorbing the sunshine, listening to the guitar behind me, I realize that I can DO this. Just like I have done everything else. Just like I have faced all my other fears recently. I got this one too.

As I look around, I notice the leaves are starting to turn red. It’s that time again. Fall is the time for letting go. Releasing those things that no longer serve you. Although its scary to cut ties with things that have been a part of you for so long, and it leaves you feeling dark and empty, the emptiness is just space. It is space for something new, bright, and beautiful to bloom. You just need to have faith.

Then the sun starts to sink behind the trees, I feel a chill in the air, and I start to pack my things up in my shiny red purse (The ripped up Lululemon shopping bag is gone. I have more love and respect for myself than that). I take my armor off, drop it on the ground, and don’t look back. The battle is over and I am walking away, stronger and wiser. The Universe and my Aquarius Goddess will shield me from now on.

As I walk towards the setting sun, past the gentleman playing the guitar, his song lingers in my ears:

Come on baby light my fire…

 

Hey Girlfriend! You Smell Pretty Freakin’ Good!

 

So I took this pic of myself on Saturday and posted it to Instagram. I was feelin’ all “non-yoga clothes” sassy. Anytime I decide to take a pic of myself, I am reminded of a Facebook post I saw a while back…it was something to the effect of “Hey Girls! When you take a selfie, why don’t you ever notice the huge mess of shit in the background?” Point taken, Josh. I am ALWAYS mindful now. I move the mess out of the way, but yeah in this pic, you can see my trashcan and recyclables there. And Gunnar’s mat for his water bowl. Good enough though, right? I am still human. I don’t live in a museum.

 

Take two – Background shit covered up! 🙂

 

But then I thought of this pic from my last post…

 

 

Woman, LOOK at all your “products” on those shelves! No wonder we are restricted to 1 quart size bag o’ stuff when we travel! We’re the ones weighing down the plane! But in all seriousness, if you zoom in, most of that stuff is actually essential oils. I use oils every day for my chakras and for various other things: lavender on my bug bites, clove on my feet to keep me grounded, ylang ylang to help me sleep better, balsam fir on my injured knee…It’s all such good stuff!!! They have increasingly become a part of my daily health and wellness regimen.

So fast forward to yesterday afternoon. I was on way to a yummy Yin Yoga class, and I stopped at (What’s that!?!) 7-11 to get a snack. Being a Yankee, I never thought I’d see the day these would show up in Charlotte! I searched for the healthiest thing I could find (NOT a Slurpee 😉 ), and went to pay. The first thing the cashier said to me was “WOW! You smell good!” While it always surprises me when someone says this, over the years I have gotten over being embarrassed about it. It actually starts some cool conversations. (It reminded him of the Renaissance Festival. Hmmm… interesting. I’ve never heard that one before, but I’ll take it! I HAVE been reborn recently!) I am also sooo glad to hear that I smell good, rather than bad! (Because I am a little paranoid about it.)

AND, coolly enough, even after a hot yoga class, when I’m drenched and my hair is sticking up everywhere, people will STILL tell me that I smell good. Whew! Because I always feel like I STINK! After class you will probably catch me sniffing myself and spritzing my Frankincense and Myrrh body spray under my arms. I used to be discreet, but I’ve gotten over that. Whatever! We are all human and we all stink sometimes, right?

So why the body spray, you ask? About 10 years ago, I took the plunge and stopped wearing deodorant/antiperspirant. It never really worked for me anyway. To be quite honest with you, I really think it made things worse. Although my degree is ONLY in Geology (Sheldon “Geology isn’t a real science” Cooper!) I found that it caused me to sweat even more. Your body has to work even harder to do what it’s naturally supposed to do. That’s why all these “clinical strength” products STILL don’t work! We all know they turn your shirts yellow and make them stinky. Also, the chemicals get absorbed into your pores, and get into your bloodstream and lymph glands. My sentiment is if I wouldn’t actually eat it, why I would I put it into my body some other way?

So this was a huge leap of faith for me because I had always had so many sweating problems. I honestly didn’t think that it would be a good idea or even work. I tried out a bunch of different products and made the best choice for me. What I came up with was: crystal salt spray to dry myself out a bit, and then Zum Mist body spray to keep me smelling ok. I typically need to reapply throughout the day and I always carry one in my bag, but it works!!!

 

 

I also started to work on switching to more natural alternatives to EVERYTHING I use. It was process and a bit overwhelming, but it has made a profound effect on my life. I still have a few things that probably don’t qualify as natural, but it’s ok. I feel like I am doing pretty darn good.

Reason being…..I am a firm believer that we actually create most of the disease that affects the human population. Through my research, I have come to learn that our environment (physical, mental, spiritual) creates so many problems for us. Many of the chemicals that we are exposed to 24/7 have either been labeled as carcinogens, or even worse, have NEVER been studied to determine their safety. These things affect how our bodies work on all levels. And if they haven’t been studied individually, they sure as heck have not been studied in COMBINATION with each other! That’s a whole other ball of wax!

But back to the deodorant/antiperspirant… While there’s lots of stuff in them, the common concern is mostly about the aluminum. Heavy metals enter your body and can cause toxicity, and you may not even realize it. In addition, some researchers have linked deodorant to breast cancer. Since the body can’t metabolize some of these chemicals entering it, they tend to collect and stay there. The cells of your body are naturally going to want to defend themselves against this. There’s lots of people on the internet who will brush this whole thing off, but I know a little microbiology and can clearly see that my breast tissue (how little of it I may have LOL!) is very close to my armpits. It’s a connection that I am willing to make, and therefore, I have decided that I want to do what I can to reduce my risk. I know breast cancer affects everyone, whether personally or through friends and family, and I believe it is important that we take back our Goddess-given right to live a happy and healthy life.

 

My friend took this pic of me back in the summer. I was embarrassed by it, but I don’t care now!  My body is what it is. Live like a yummy-smelling, yoga Warrior (1) Goddess! 

 

So since October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month, I thought I’d share one of my solutions to decreasing my risk. While we can’t control or predict the future, I believe that we can make informed choices about the actions that we take in the present. I know many people that don’t wear deodorant/antiperspirant and some that have recently taken the plunge. Give it a shot! We can all smell freakin’ good TOGETHER!!!

 

 

 

LOVE this song!

If you are ready to live like a warrior, click “follow” at the bottom of your screen!

Kyrie Eleison On This Bar of Soap! (And All Sorts of #TBT Awesomeness! )

 

I love being an Aquarius but sometimes I feel like it’s an affliction. Of the mind. You may not realize this, but there is a constant conversation going on up there. I notice and analyze everything and I know a lot more than I let on. There are PLENTY of times when this all just needs to stop. Like, NOW is a really good time.

 

(Amen, sister!)

 

So in true Aquarius form, I like to surprise people a little. That’s my teeny little secret. A lot of times it happens naturally cause I am just being me. I just do weird stuff. But there are times when I know what I am doing and I freak out because it is soooo NOT something I have done before. What are people going to think? Like is this the final straw? EEEEK!

 

(Hey Aquarius, stop trying to analyze and rationalize. Just say what you need to say, woman!)

 

Ok. So on Sept 29 I threw the gauntlet down for myself. It felt good because I haven’t done that in a looooong time. I felt empowered after my 108 days. I honestly had no idea WHAT the end result was going to be and it was really cool to have accomplished something that others considered so BRAVE. And now I’m REALLY going for it! I am a woman in motion!

 

 WOOOO HOOO!!!!

 

After all  this, WHAM! I felt a huge punch, straight to the gut. Oh shit. What do I do NOW?

The first time I put my 108 day goal of self-realization out on the Internet, I was in a place where I had really nothing else to lose. I wasn’t really thinking about anything other than: Can I make it through another day to put a damn sticky note on the wall? I had to manifest a pair of bootstraps, pick myself up by them, and stand up. Then one foot in front of the other. Failure never crossed my mind. I just had to do it. No choice.

But THIS time is different. I have set NOT ONE, but TWO, incredibly HUGE goals for myself. The first one, my 182 day goal, is CRA-ZEEE. I’m not saying what it is at this point (I am just cracking myself up with it). I need to do this for myself personally and it is the complete opposite of what I would normally do. If I can make this one happen, I will declare that I am magic. LOL!

 

 Oh wow! Where’d I pull this one out of?

So the punch in the gut was ACTUALLY about goal #2: Taking another 108 days and committing to this writing thing so I can affect change in others’ lives. My message needs to go out into the wider world. How do I do that? Well, at this point, who knows! BUT the good news is that I have about 2 ½ months to figure it out. The Universe always gives me answers, so I am once again, banking on her.

 

(Lady, don’t worry! You got this!)

 

I realized, though, that it was something that someone did that triggered the sucker punch. Then FEAR came flooding in. It caused me to question myself. My balloon of empowerment started to deflate. I felt like recording artists when they put out their second album. Now there’s this pressure to perform and to repeat a previous success. What if the whole 108 day thing was a fluke? What if I look like a complete ASS this time?

 

(Woman! Check yourself, before you wreck yourself!)

 

 

(Thanks girlfriend!) I know I can’t control what others do or think. I can’t control how they interpret me or what I do or say. And honestly, I make a big deal about things because I project my own shit onto them. This is a good lesson because I can’t let these things bother me. Not if I’m gonna do what I’m gonna do.

So with that in mind…

My goddess told me to say this before, but I ignored it. Another Aquarius used the words “fill it up like a balloon”, “empowerment”, and this NEXT word, when telling me something the other day. Since this blog was already written,  I took that as a sign that I just need to say it. And this song came on when he was talking to me.

 

Depeche Mode. #Soooooocuteandabitmysterious

And better than Marky Mark hangin’ on the fence catcalling women!

 

Although I took 7 years of French and I never learned this one: Pardon my French, but “Fuck you, FEAR!”

 

 Anyone else get their mouth washed out with soap as a kid?

 

Ok. Now I can move on.

 

SO self-awareness….I used to be sent into an insecurity tailspin all the time. It would last for days and days. At first I had no idea what triggered these things. I would just panic and be depressed, and just stay there. But over the years, I started to pull out of this cycle. It was through the study and practice of yoga that has gotten me here. Yoga makes you stay in an uncomfortable place for a while, and it forces you to sit with thoughts and feelings and let them pass. You’d think this would be easy (“Ok you just have to stop this shit.”) but, as you know, it doesn’t exactly work this way. It takes a LOT of consistent effort to change your thought patterns. The more you practice, the better you get.  I think it comes down to finding EXACTLY what triggers them. And as my awesome friend (LOVE YOU!!) said in her yoga class the other day : Ignore those annoyances!

You’re right! Cause in reality, that’s all they are, girlfriend!

So the sucker punch was really just an annoyance. I sat with it for a bit, thought about why the heck this person’s action bothered me, and decided that it came down to fear. Fear has always given me an excuse not to do something. And as you know, I have worked really hard to kick down the walls of Fear. Fear is what prevents people from going for their dreams. I have waaaayyyy too much to do, hence the French lesson today.

 

So back to my original point…Sometimes I want the conversation up there to stop. BUT I am SO fortunate to have this strong voice inside of me now that ENCOURAGES me to keep going. SHE can keep talking!

 

Hey Universe! My Aquarius Goddess! Protect me on this road that I am about travel….

 

Probably one of the most inspirational songs that came out of the 80s.

Pretty cute, for an 80s guy.

It’s the eyes and the smile. And the goofy sense of humor.

 I saw a teensy bit of tap dancing and Running Man in there! Way cool!

And how unique! I don’t know if I’ve ever seen a lead singer play the Bass. 

What Doesn’t Kill You Makes You Stronger…

I read an article called 11 Things Introverts Want You To Know. And in true introvert fashion, my mind starts going. The dialogue goes on and on (#9) and finally, I came to my computer with my story. (It would take me many pages to explain how I got to this story from that article, so you’ll just have to trust my process 🙂 .)

I repeatedly put myself out there. Sometimes it’s exciting, but sometimes it causes me a lot of anxiety. It is a huge risk because I have NO F-ing CLUE what the response is going to be. After I do it, I second guess myself, but what’s done is done. I made my choice and I have to move on. I just have to be me and accept that I cannot predict or control others’ responses. Let the chips fall, as “they” say.

How do I get to this place of acceptance? Well I catch myself in the act and decide to listen to my own $h!z. Turn on my music and let it go. It works.

 

I had to…..

I think this is worse than “Good Vibrations” in terms of “I totally want to forget this ever happened.” 

 You better believe I can do these dance moves!

 

But what happens when you are not even putting yourself out there, you are just minding your own business, and someone does something to you? How do you handle THAT loss of control? Especially when it is life altering?

I am not sure how many people know this about me. Probably relatively close to NONE. I don’t think I have EVER talked about it. But this is where it all started…

One balmy summer night, my friends and I went to the movies. Afterwards, we were waiting to be picked up by our parents (some of us could drive and some couldn’t, at this point). A car pulled into the parking lot, the passenger side window came down, a gun emerged and shot my friend in the chest. Then the car drove away. It all happened in such slow motion, it was almost like, not real. Other than him, I was the only other person who actually witnessed it. Why? Because I was standing between him and the car. That moment completely changed my summer vacation.

My friend ended up being ok. Thankfully, it was just a pellet gun of some sort.  Although I never talked about it afterwards, I was really traumatized by the whole thing.

1) That could have been ME that was shot. I could have died. I was actually much closer to the car than him. Why didn’t they shoot me?

2) We were not in any type of dangerous place. This was totally random. And randomness = unpredictableness. From then on, I believed that I was unsafe at night, no matter where I was. As soon as it got dark, I believed someone was going to pull out a gun and shoot me.  I didn’t sleep for about three months. I was VERY AFRAID. There were a couple more of random shootings on Long Island that summer, and that added to my fears. People didn’t understand   why I was so afraid. But they didn’t see what I saw. I thought that gun was pointed at ME. After I heard it fire, I stood there, frozen, wondering why I didn’t feel anything. It was an eternity.

So how did I get past this? It sounds so simple, but this is the truth. When school started up again, I took a speech and debate class. One of the speeches was to discuss an event in your life. I wrote out the speech, got up there in front of the class completely shaking, and started. I broke down in the middle, and couldn’t finish, but something about doing that caused me to let go of my fear. It’s like I put it out there and the universe hooked me up, or something. I still don’t know to this day.

Immediately, I was no longer afraid to sleep. I wasn’t afraid to stop at a stop sign or red light. I wasn’t afraid to walk outside at night. I wasn’t afraid to sit in the window seat of a restaurant. I was thankful to let this go, because I could have continued to live in this state of fear for a long, long time.

An incident like this has the potential to cause us to be afraid and suspicious of each other. It’s not real though. (It kind of like when you are at the airport. All those signs and announcements all of a sudden make everyone else an enemy.) While I completely KNOW that I should not put myself in dangerous situations, what happened here was a random act of violence. When you’re in the moment, it’s hard to maintain that perspective.

You cannot control what others do, no matter WHAT type of situation it is. Since you can’t control things, you have this AMAZING ability to RELEASE the fear! Now, all these years later, I can see this for what it was. Out of this terrible situation, something wonderful emerged. It was like the Universe, in it’s weird way, sent me my FIRST message. Writing and speaking about things help me let them go. This was that “moment” when I knew that this was “my thing.” (#11)  This is when it all began…

Mark Your Calendars! Jan 16 2015 and Mar 30 2015 !

October 1, 2014 Day 2

That’s right! I said DAY 2!

Despite the fact that my 108 days are complete, I have set some even HUGER goals for myself now. After all I have done, including my dancing video, like what’s left? Well, I ain’t done, folks! There’s LOTS to do!

So, my HUGER, new goals for myself:

One is a 6 month goal, which is kinda private. At this point, I am keeping this one to myself. But I am soooo curious what 182 sticky notes look like? Aren’t you? I guess we will find out on March 30, 2015, huh?

 

This is a close up. If I took a pic of this massive wall for my 182, you wouldn’t be able to see these!

 

#2: I am also starting another 108 day journey. (Man! My bedroom walls are going to be FULL of sticky notes, aren’t they?! Maybe, instead of buying art, I’ll just leave them up. JK. There is a painting I’m gonna buy. I am not telling you which one bc it needs to be there when I am ready for it. Don’t anybody touch it! And if it disappears, I’ll know it was YOU!) In my last blog post, I made a commitment that I am going to throw myself into the process of writing to change lives. It’s my calling and I can’t avoid it anymore. On Monday I will post my original blog from Sept 11. It’s the beginning of my story as a writer, so I feel that it’s time to share that now.

So in these next 108 days, I am going to work on that commitment. That brings us to Jan 16, 2015. Sounds far away, but Sept 29 sounded far away when I was in June and IT came pretty quickly! (Oh and HEY! That is right smack in the middle of Aquarius season! Super cool.)

With all that in mind, it was time take down my previous 108 sticky notes and make room for my new ones. I guess I need to pack ‘em up and let it go.

 

 My new 108! And this time around, instead of seeing these as sad and lonely, I am looking at this wall as a blank canvas of possibility!

 

 

Speaking of blank canvases…These were once blank too. I was nervous a bit, but I think it came out pretty darn good! Here’s some artwork for one of my walls!!!

 

And how appropriate that it is now fall? Although it’s still warm in Charlotte, we all “feel” it coming, don’t we? This is that time of year where it’s 80 degrees one week and 60 degress the next. It throws us all off ‘cause we don’t know whether to wear shorts or pants, long sleeves or short. (I say just grab a bunch of stuff, throw it in a bag, and put it in your car!) Letting go can be confusing and, frankly, quite scary. The things that we have been holding on to for a long time, well, those are a majorly challenging release. I guess the irony of it all is that things in nature turn beautiful colors before ultimately going into hibernation. They’re like: Look what I’m about to do! And after a period of darkness, rest, and regroup, things always come around. We have to learn how to embrace the darkness. And not be afraid of it. Six months is not a long time, in the grand scheme of things. Spring will be here soon enough!

I have had to let go of so many things recently. And I still am. I have come to realize how emotionally attached I was to events in my life. There is a huge fear of detaching because the things that you have been carrying around for so long seem to be your identity. They shape everything you do on a daily basis. So if you put something down, it’s like “What do you do now? What choices do you make, how do you behave, what do you say etc. etc.?” It’s like learning to walk again. You have to trip up a bit, but you eventually you find your legs. You just have to have trust and faith that letting go makes space for other things to grow. Not only have I witnessed this in my own life, I am witnessing it in the lives of all the people around me.

 

 

 

So there was one huge thing that I still needed to release. On day 107, I felt it was time to write a letter that I had started a year and a half ago. It was the letter that is in the purple book Gunnar pulled out of my closet. He pulled it out again (from where I am not sure, this time) and dropped it on my kitchen floor. This dog, my Aquarius buddy, was telling me to finish the damn letter already. (As much as I tell him he needs to learn English, I guess it’s not necessary.) One day I’ll tell that story, but I am not ready yet. I just needed to cut this cord, though, because it’s been attached to me for (yikes!) nearly 20 years. I wrote it, burned it, and deposited the ashes under my favorite tree in Freedom Park.

 

   

Pre and Post Burn! Did this on my balcony…..Shhhhh! Don’t tell the HOA.

I Love Trees!

 

So by letting this go, I have made space for something else to grow. I think the scary part is the waiting. There is fear that it won’t. But like the leaves always come back on the trees in the Spring, new things pop up and bloom in your life too. Yesterday, my Goddess told me to have no fear. I have to be patient. That was all I needed to hear.

 

 

What will this all grow into? Well, follow me and see! But as I promised you, YOU will be a HUGE part of this all. I am excited for us! Are you?!?