Compared to this time last year, I have been writing so much less. Other stuff is currently getting in the way (maybe me? 🙂 ). I wrote the following post, like, last week but I haven’t posted it ’cause I just don’t have any pictures for it.
Ok, I will call myself out here: Is that the lamest excuse, or WHAT?!? Yes, pictures have been my problem recently, but let’s face it, everything we tell ourselves in order to NOT do something is an excuse. PERIOD.
So, in order to hold myself accountable, I am just going to post this, sans graphics. In doing so, I fear that people will stop reading about 100 words in, cause it’s just too many damn words with no fun and colorful splashes, but in reality, people could stop reading for any number of reasons. I can’t control any of it.
So here it is….
I am sitting here, drinking my (decaf) coffee, totally excited. But then again, I also can’t ignore this flutter of anxiety in my stomach. Things are going pretty awesomely right now, but, as always, I am about to do some scary stuff. These things have been turning over in my mind for a long time, I have shared bits with a few people, but, folks, it’s time to make some moves.
So why the butterflies, Patty?
Since this has been the story of my life for the past few years, you’d think I’d be used to it by now. I mean I can totally hear you saying (which, incidentally, I have come to learn is actually my OWN voice in my head, not yours): “Patty, why are you STILL writing about this?!? The scary parts of your life should be over by now and you should be all good, and stuff.”
Well, I have to say, people, that is totally not the case here. While it IS getting easier for me and my comfort zone has seriously expanded, the line STILL exists. When I reach it, I become intently aware of it and it startles me, mainly because I believed it was no longer there.
(Like right now, for example.)
As I mentioned above, I have talked to some people about bits and pieces of what I am needing to do and, par for the course, I get a supportive ear and a “Patty you got this!” response. I appreciate these folks ‘cause they bring me back down to Earth and I realize it’s all not that bad. But still, I pinky swear, readers, some of these things are really super scary. I am totally sure that my confidants got it wrong this time.
You’ll probably agree with me.
A couple of months ago, on the day of the New Moon, I set many intentions for myself. I made my choices, let them go, and allowed the Universe determine the outcome. Soon after, 3 of them manifested. As for the rest, all but 1 are currently in process. A few of these are super uncomfortable for many reasons, but in my mind, I have already decided on them, so there’s nothing to worry about anymore (theoretically).
At the moment, some of these intentions are requiring me to let go of things that I am gripping on to (have we heard this story before, or what?!?). These things are safe and comfortable and make me feel secure, but I need to let them go and jump into the unknown. I have realized that I hold onto things that I no longer need because it allows me to NOT make the choice to do something scary. It keeps something in the way and I don’t have to deal with stepping out of the comfort zone. But, it’s time to let go. For reals.
While we are at this “expanding the comfort zone” thing, people, let’s just throw something else into the mix, why don’t we? I mean, things always happen when everything else is happening, right? So, with this in mind, let’s just say the uncomfortable intentions I mentioned above are not what are scaring me today.
This is it:
About a year ago, I found out about a pretty cool opportunity. I worked really hard and I decided to take a leap and apply for it. Afterwards, I never heard back and totally forgot about it until recently, of course, when the Universe put it right back in my face. A few weeks ago, out of the blue!, surprise!, they contacted me. This, people, is sooooo huge and I am freaking out at the thought of doing it. It would be a whole other level of putting myself out there. Seriously!
So, as usual, I avoided it for a few weeks. This morning, however, I decided that it’s time to dip a toe in the water. As a result, I feel the anxiety fluttering and my mind is totally talking me out of it. Normally, as you know, I start to make up stories in my head because I am afraid of failing at something; messing up and looking like an ass in front of people, and stuff. This time, however, it’s seriously NOT about failing. No, that’s not even on my radar. This is about what this could crack open for me, what possibilities this could mean.
Do I REALLY want to go there, though? What will people think about it? (The safe parts of me would rather just keep my mouth shut than risk opening an unnecessary can of worms.) While it’s possible that this opportunity may not amount to much, what if it does? What then? While I have already decided my other intentions, THIS (THIS!!!) was not part of the plan Universe. What do I do here?
In exploring all this, I found something interesting: Yes, I am afraid of failing in front of people, but what I really need to acknowledge here is that I am afraid of success too. This ALSO stops me from doing things. I am afraid that things will go too well and I don’t have enough time and space and energy for them and it will all become too much.
Why do I worry about this? Well, it actually happens to me on occasion. I put a lot of intentions out there and then I have many opportunities that come my way at once. I get overwhelmed. I choose lots of safe opportunities because I know I can do them or I choose too many things because I want to leave no stone unturned. At the moment, I still have things I need to do and I know once I put additional intentions out there, more things will come my way. I guess I am trying to figure out what is the right combination of things for me and while I am getting closer to creating balance in my life, the Universe still decided to throw some unplanned opportunity at me. I have come to the conclusion that when “they” say that God doesn’t give you more than you can handle, I was probably not included in that equation.
So here I am.
I hesitate, for many hours, and I am trying to determine: “What do I do?”
Instead of adding more things to my plate, I have to make the hard choice to take some things off. Yes, these are the things that I have already decided, those intentions I set all those months ago. The Universe is, once again, not letting me stay where I am. I need to grow.
New Moon is Tomorrow. What intentions are YOU setting?